Domestic abuse as an incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive, threatening, degrading and violent behaviour, including sexual violence, in the majority of cases by a partner or ex-partner. Abuse can also be by a family member or carer. It is very common. In the vast majority of cases, it is experienced by women and is perpetrated by men.

Domestic abuse is sometimes called ‘domestic violence’ (DV).

Domestic violence is violence or other abuse that occurs in a domestic setting, such as in a marriage or cohabitation. DV can take place in relationships or between former spouses or partners. DV also involves violence against children, parents, or the elderly.

Domestic abuse can assume multiple forms, including physical, verbal, emotional, economic, religious, reproductive, or sexual abuse. Domestic abuse can range from subtle, coercive forms to marital rape and other violent physical abuse, such as choking, beating, female genital mutilation, disfigurement or death, and includes the use of technology to harass, control, monitor or stalk.

Domestic murder includes stoning, bride burning, honor killing, and dowry death, which sometimes involves non-cohabitating family members.

Myth: Alcohol and drugs make men more violent.

Reality: Alcohol and drugs can make existing abuse worse, or be a catalyst for an attack, but they do not cause domestic abuse. Many people use alcohol or drugs and do not abuse their partner, so it should never be used to excuse violent or controlling behaviour. The perpetrator alone is responsible for his actions.

Myth: It’s easy to leave an abusive relationship.

Reality: It is really hard to leave an abusive relationship. Abuse is likely to get worse at the point of leaving/when the relationship ends, which makes ending a relationship dangerous.

Myth: If it was that bad, she’d leave.

Reality: Women stay in abusive relationships for many different reasons, and it can be very difficult for a woman to leave an abusive partner – even if she wants to. Like any other relationship, one that ends in abuse began with falling in love and being in love. Abuse rarely starts at the beginning of a relationship, but when it is established and often harder to leave.

Myth: Domestic violence happens only in low-income families.

Reality: Domestic violence happens in all kinds of families, rich and poor, urban, suburban and rural, in every part of the country, in every racial, religious and age group.

Myth: Domestic abuse always involves physical violence.

Reality: Domestic abuse does not always include physical violence. These incidents can include coercive control; psychological and/or emotional abuse; physical abuse; sexual abuse; financial abuse; harassment; stalking; and/or online or digital abuse.

Myth: People who are being abusive have ‘lost control’.

Reality: Abuse is all about control – using social or physical power to gain and maintain control of another person. A series of tactics are used deliberately as a pattern of abuse, to create fear, to isolate, humiliate and degrade. They are used in private, or covertly in public. Deliberate patterns of abuse can’t be excused as a lack of control.

Myth: She provoked him.

Reality: This myth is widespread and deep-rooted. It is often based on the belief that the man is the head of the family, and that his role is to punish his partner or children if they act in a way he doesn’t approve of.

The myth is dangerous because any reference to ‘provocation’ means that we are blaming the woman and relieving the abuser of responsibility for his actions.

Abuse or violence of any kind is never the victim’s fault. Responsibility always lies with the perpetrator, and with him alone.

Myth: Women are attracted to abusive men.

Reality: Domestic abuse is prevalent throughout society, and it is not uncommon for a woman to experience abuse in more than one relationship. To suggest that some women are particularly attracted to abusive men is victim-blaming. A perpetrator of domestic abuse can be charming and charismatic when he first meets a new partner, and often no one, let alone the woman he has just met, would suspect he would ever be abusive in a relationship.

Myth: Men who abuse their partners saw their fathers abuse their mothers.

Reality: Domestic abuse is prevalent throughout society, and because of this many people have grown up witnessing domestic abuse. Most of these people will never perpetrate domestic abuse in their own relationships, so it is never an excuse – and some of our most passionate supporters are child survivors of domestic abuse.

Myth: All couples argue – it’s not domestic abuse, it’s just a normal relationship.

Reality: Abuse and disagreement are not the same things. Different opinions are normal and completely acceptable in healthy relationships. Abuse is not a disagreement – it is the use of physical, sexual, emotional or psychological violence or threats in order to govern and control another person’s thinking, opinions, emotions and behaviour.

Myth: Abusive relationships are bad all of the time

Reality: Abuse can often happen in cycles – a honeymoon period, giving way to tension and then an explosion – the point where the abuse is at its worst. An abusive situation often starts with a honeymoon, but this phase also happens after the explosion.

Myth: There is no support for men experiencing abuse

Reality: Men also experience abuse – in romantic relationships with men and women, as well as in family relationships.

YES men can be abused.

It happens to men from all cultures and all walks of life, regardless of age or occupation. Figures suggest that as many as one in three victims of domestic violence are male. However, men are often reluctant to report abuse because they feel embarrassed, fear they won’t be believed, or are scared that their partner will take revenge.

Of course, domestic abuse is not limited to violence. Emotional and verbal abuse can be just as damaging.

As an abused man, you may face a shortage of resources, a lack of understanding from friends and family, and legal obstacles, especially if trying to gain custody of your children from an abusive mother. Whatever your circumstances, though, you can overcome these challenges and escape the violence and abuse.